Discouraged

I'm feeling like poop right now and don't really want to post on FB. And since I know pretty much no one reads this it's the perfect place. I'm so discouraged. At work I signed up for a weight loss competition. It was expensive to enter. I figured it really wouldn't be that hard. And I thought it was the perfect motivation for me  to continue my weight loss journey now that having babies is in the past. Well it's been a month (tomorrow is the weigh in) and I'm pretty much down only 3 pounds. I hate that I have zero will power and can't even stick to a 3 day diet for 3 days. I've been doing shakes but that isn't working anymore. I feel like I should just give up and say to hell with it all and get fat again and not worry about it anymore. You know when people say that want to live to 100 or whatever? Well I don't feel that way at all. I mean I want to be around for my kids and maybe one day grandkids but I'm really ready for the next life. This one is just really hard and I don't like it most of the time. Why can't I control what goes into my mouth? Why does it have to be such a struggle? I see skinny people and they are eating whatever they want. Or I see fat people and they diet and lose weight. I just don't get it. I know some of this is coming from sleep deprivation. I haven't had a full night's sleep in close to a year. So maybe that's why I can't get this weight off. I'm tired at work so to stay awake I eat. I don't know, just needed to get this out of my head. Maybe should have just posted on LJ instead.